We may not like it, but there it is.
There once was a time when I made many bad decisions. The consequences didn't seem real or even important, but the day came when these consequences all hit me hard and at the same time.
I was left hurting, alone, and broken.
There was no one who could fix me.
And so, I finally turned back to Heavenly Father.
I knelt at my bed and prayed for His help. I faced my sins and mistakes and knew that I was lost. I knew that I had left Him and that He had every right to let me struggle.
But even so, as I prayed I felt Heavenly Father's presence there with me. It wasn't a light or a sound, but a still, small voice that I felt inside my chest.
This feeling was clear, powerful, and undeniable. I understood that, even though I had left Him for a time, He loved me.
I also had the strong sense that as I suffered, He was grieving with me.
That night was the great turning point in my life. My broken, heartsore plea was answered as Heavenly Father reached out in love to his little lost sheep.
Even though it was very hard, this time became a 'Thin Place' to me, a holy space where I came to know how much Heavenly Father loved me and how invested He was in my welfare.
The days went by. I realize now that I was suffering from signs of PTSD* and depression. I couldn't eat. I felt like I was carrying a backpack full of rocks everywhere and the only escape was through sleep.
Even so, I continued to pray out loud and in my head. I knew that Heavenly Father was keeping me close and was answering my prayers.
When my 'backpack of rocks' was too heavy and I couldn't take another step, I prayed for relief. After those prayers, I had the most incredible feeling of release. It was as though someone was walking behind me and lifting the backpack so that I couldn't feel the weight. When that happened, I felt marvelously light and free and even happy.
After a period of time, the backpack was lowered again onto my shoulders. It was my burden to bear, after all, and Heavenly Father let me carry it.
I promised Heavenly Father that as soon as I was able to bear more than just my own burdens, I would do everything in my power to thank Him. I dedicated the rest of my life to serving Him. I was determined to 'pay him back' in a sense. I knew that I never really could, but my love and gratitude for what He was doing overflowed and I wanted to show it.
I was ready to change, and change permanently.
Repentance is the process by which we apologize for our sins and make them right. The old sin becomes repugnant to where you would do anything rather than commit the old sin again.
I began by setting a standard for my media and threw out everything that wasn't up to par. Yes, this was hard. My favorite shows and books were like old friends. However, after I'd slammed the door on these movies and books, I never missed them again.
I then apologized to Heavenly Father for everything I'd done that was wrong and I worked hard to make restitution. I wanted to do this the right way. I wanted to be clean again before my God.
After many months, there came a day when I looked around at my friends and at myself and liked what I saw. I examined myself on the inside and found, to my deep satisfaction, that the backpack of rocks had been unpacked and buried peacefully away. I was clean, and I was happy.
I was clean, and I was peaceful.
I was clean.
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Why am I a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints?
Why am I here?
I am here because God is here.
I am here because Heavenly Father came to me in my time of distress and need.
Heavenly Father is able to be an integral part of my life because I am a member of Jesus Christ's restored church, which includes power and authority from God to act in His name.
I've discovered that a life close to Heavenly Father is happy, peaceful, and deeply fulfilling, irrespective of life's circumstances.
I am so happy to be here. My relationship to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ is the best part of who I am. I can trace every good thing in my life back to that decision to 'pay Him back.'
I love my Savior and I anticipate the day when I can look into His face and thank Him again for seeing in me someone worth saving.
-Jenna
~NOTE: I use the words God, Heavenly Father, and Jesus Christ almost interchangeably. We believe that Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost are separate beings but that they work together so perfectly that to mention one is to mention the others. It's sort of (forgive me) like talking about the Apple company. We know that there is a network of individuals making us new iPhones, but when we talk about them, we simply say Apple. In the same way, I can credit Heavenly Father or Jesus Christ with answering my prayers and both ways are accurate because they are working together. (I'm writing this post after midnight, so my metaphors aren't great. Moving on.)
*I know you're probably reading this and thinking, "JENNA WHAT HAPPENED!?!?" I've intentionally kept this story vague because I want it to apply to you, as well as to far-off friends in places like China and Russia (hello to my Chinese and Russian readers, by the way!). If you're still panicking a little, don't worry. The stimulus that caused these events was nothing life-threatening. And yes, I'm still being vague. Now go back and keep reading!
