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The last thing that I wanted to see was blood, but there it was. Spotting my underwear, staining the toilet water pink- blood.
There's that moment of stunned shock, then hope that maybe, maybe...?
But no. I was pregnant, and I was bleeding.
I whimpered, "Oh no, oh no no no!!" and burst into tears.
My little one-year-old was looking at me with big eyes and my three-year-old was out in the hall. I fought the tears back.
Stay strong, I told myself. Stay strong for them. Mom can't fall apart right now.
I whimpered, "Oh no, oh no no no!!" and burst into tears.
My little one-year-old was looking at me with big eyes and my three-year-old was out in the hall. I fought the tears back.
Stay strong, I told myself. Stay strong for them. Mom can't fall apart right now.
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This is a post about miscarriage.
Miscarriage happens when a pregnancy ends on its own within the first twenty weeks. Many, many women miscarry; between 10-25% of all clinically-recognized pregnancies end this way.[1] The actual numbers are likely even higher, since some women miscarry before they even realize that they’re pregnant.[2]
What does this mean for us?
It means that you or someone very close to you is going to lose a child this way.
You may be tempted to think, “What’s the big deal, anyway? She doesn’t know her baby; heck, it’s smaller than her finger. How hard can a miscarriage be?”
Miscarriage happens when a pregnancy ends on its own within the first twenty weeks. Many, many women miscarry; between 10-25% of all clinically-recognized pregnancies end this way.[1] The actual numbers are likely even higher, since some women miscarry before they even realize that they’re pregnant.[2]
What does this mean for us?
It means that you or someone very close to you is going to lose a child this way.
You may be tempted to think, “What’s the big deal, anyway? She doesn’t know her baby; heck, it’s smaller than her finger. How hard can a miscarriage be?”
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| Baby Piper, gestational age 20 weeks |
Very hard, as it turns out.
Let me paint a picture of what an early pregnancy is.
It’s hope, plain and simple. Pregnancy is long, hard, painful, well-earned hope.
These babies are real, even if we can’t see them. Every time a mother learns that she’s pregnant, her world tilts and settles into a new sphere. She circles that nine-month date and then she dreams and dreams and dreams.
Do you understand? I can look down into my arms and just see my little baby there. I know how she would fit, how she would nurse, how she would sound and smell.
Miscarriage is the grieving of a body and soul for the baby that used to fit in both.
Let me paint a picture of what an early pregnancy is.
It’s hope, plain and simple. Pregnancy is long, hard, painful, well-earned hope.
These babies are real, even if we can’t see them. Every time a mother learns that she’s pregnant, her world tilts and settles into a new sphere. She circles that nine-month date and then she dreams and dreams and dreams.
Do you understand? I can look down into my arms and just see my little baby there. I know how she would fit, how she would nurse, how she would sound and smell.
Miscarriage is the grieving of a body and soul for the baby that used to fit in both.
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| Baby Chantelle, age 1 month |
- Cramping
- There is cramping in a normal pregnancy, but these cramps felt exactly like a period and did not go away.
- Bleeding
- Light spotting turned into heavy bleeding. The bleeding was similar to post-partum bleeding, though not quite so intense.
- Pain
- With the heavy bleeding came sharp, piercing pain (also similar to my post-partum experiences). I needed ibuprofen and a heating pad to get through this.
- Healthcare:
- I did two ultrasounds- one on the initial day, one a week later. This allowed my obstetrician to verify that a miscarriage had indeed taken place. I also came in for several office visits.
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| Daddy with baby Piper |
I think it’s important to reach out to those close to you for comfort and help. One of my friends from church came with me to the ultrasound appointment. She watched my girls in the lobby which relieved a large amount of my stress. I don’t think I could have made it through that day without her.
I felt comfort too that miscarriage, though difficult, is a normal part of the baby-having process. There needs to be a way for the body to terminate a failed pregnancy and prepare for the next one. After doing some research, I found that about 40% of all miscarriages happen because of a problem with the little baby’s chromosomes.[2] In other words, the baby’s body developed incorrectly and so was not able to live.
It was actually somewhat comforting to know that this wasn’t a normal pregnancy gone awry, this was a pregnancy that could not continue.
After the miscarriage, I also started to slide into post-partum depression. I've found with 'Baby Blues' that if I can keep myself from following that initial pull down, I can keep myself mostly free from the depression.
When I felt myself start to slide, I buckled the girls into their carseats and we would go out and do something fun or at the very least distracting. We bought donuts or walked around Petco to see the animals. When my husband came home at night, our family played together or just talked. All of this was hugely helpful for my emotional health.
The biggest and most important emotional aid came from a higher source. As soon as this miscarriage began, I went to my knees in prayer.
That first evening I had a strong impression from the Holy Ghost that there was peace, comfort, and understanding available if I sought them.
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| Chantelle age 8 months |
I kept praying.
I know that God is not silent. I know that He cares deeply about me and about my family. Throughout my life, He has communicated to me through the power of the Holy Ghost in real, undeniable ways.[3]
My miscarriage was no exception; God was not silent. What He did to help me through this tough time actually started before the miscarriage took place.
About two months ago now, I remembered how much I'd enjoyed Cinderella as a girl. Singing mice, friendly birds, dancing; I was sure Chantelle would love it too.
While I was casually looking for Cinderella, I decided to add Taylor Swift's album 'Speak Now' to the list. I love her older songs and thought this would be a fun one to have in the car.
After deciding this, I took my girls to what we call 'The Adventure Store.' It’s a Goodwill Outlet where you pay by weight, and this place can be a gold mine. We’ve come away with some really fantastic things like DVDs, bicycles, and toys galore. All of it cheap, all in great condition.
We walked in and got a cart. I took my girls around the store until I looked in one of the last bins and- oh my goodness- there was Cinderella. Right next to it was Speak Now.
Of course I bought them (paid probably a quarter for both), and said, "Thank you!" to Heavenly Father. I was awed and a little struck by this very specific answer to a very specific desire.
My only question was, why? Why did He do this for me? I decided it was just an example of His mercy and moved on with life.
Two weeks later, I miscarried.
I know that God is not silent. I know that He cares deeply about me and about my family. Throughout my life, He has communicated to me through the power of the Holy Ghost in real, undeniable ways.[3]
My miscarriage was no exception; God was not silent. What He did to help me through this tough time actually started before the miscarriage took place.
About two months ago now, I remembered how much I'd enjoyed Cinderella as a girl. Singing mice, friendly birds, dancing; I was sure Chantelle would love it too.
While I was casually looking for Cinderella, I decided to add Taylor Swift's album 'Speak Now' to the list. I love her older songs and thought this would be a fun one to have in the car.
After deciding this, I took my girls to what we call 'The Adventure Store.' It’s a Goodwill Outlet where you pay by weight, and this place can be a gold mine. We’ve come away with some really fantastic things like DVDs, bicycles, and toys galore. All of it cheap, all in great condition.
We walked in and got a cart. I took my girls around the store until I looked in one of the last bins and- oh my goodness- there was Cinderella. Right next to it was Speak Now.
Of course I bought them (paid probably a quarter for both), and said, "Thank you!" to Heavenly Father. I was awed and a little struck by this very specific answer to a very specific desire.
My only question was, why? Why did He do this for me? I decided it was just an example of His mercy and moved on with life.
Two weeks later, I miscarried.
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| Piper age 6 weeks |
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There’s healing and there’s hope after a miscarriage. I now hold my little girls just a little tighter and feel grateful every day that they are mine.
Keep praying, keep hoping, and especially, keep loving. In the Lord's timing, all works out in the end.
- Jenna
“But there is a resurrection, therefore the grave hath no victory, and the sting of death is swallowed up in Christ.
He is the light and the life of the world; yea, a light that is endless, that can never be darkened; yea, and also a life which is endless, that there can be no more death...”
-Mosiah 16:8-9
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References:
References:
[1] American Pregnancy Association. Last updated 5/2/2017. http://americanpregnancy.org/pregnancy-complications/miscarriage/
[2] Tulandi, Togas MD MHCM. 2017. Patient Education: Miscarriage (Beyond the Basics). http://www.uptodate.com/contents/miscarriage-beyond-the-basics
[3] If you’d like more information about the Holy Ghost and his role in relation to the Godhead, follow this link: https://www.lds.org/topics/holy-ghost?lang=eng
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