“I don’t know what to do,” I fretted to one of my professors. “I love school; I want to go for an advanced degree, but I also want to start a family. How did you do it?”
This professor had a way of quietly listening and then looking at me as though she were unwrapping my shell and peeking at my thoughts. From her I first understood the power of quiet, shrewd listening.
“I didn’t,” she said now.
I stopped short, confused. Pictures of her children were right there on her desk. What was she talking about?
“I married my husband later; these are my step-children,” she gestured to the pictures and smiled at me sadly. “I only had miscarriages. It is my One Great Sorrow.”
I didn’t know what to say. It was my turn to listen with more than my ears. These were words that sunk all the way down to my heart.
“My advice,” she continued, “is to choose what you want most and pursue it. Perhaps a degree, perhaps a family, but you may only get one. Choose the one that you can’t live without.”
This piece of advice prefigured one of the most crucial periods of my life. What should I choose, what should I seek? A degree or children?
This was not easy. I may not be as brilliant as some of my past classmates, but I’m tenacious, ambitious, and willing to work. I wanted to teach university students. I wanted to earn a Ph.D.
Many prayers were said and answers received. I took to heart the quiet, insistent nudge to start a family and we moved ahead in faith.
Our daughter was one year old when Joe started at the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine. In the first week, the medical school displayed the results of a survey to the new class. They had some fun statistics about religion, education, and the male/female ratio.
Then they displayed a new statistic; out of the 130-odd members in that class, there were only two students with children (the other student, incidentally, is a Ph.D. who was teaching genetics at the University of Pittsburgh when she decided to also complete a Medical Degree).
I wasn’t all that surprised. At the White Coat Ceremony which preceded Joe’s medical training, Chantelle was the only baby in an audience of about 400 people. She was doing her normal baby thing, which meant a lot of shrieks and movement. I was so embarrassed at her noise and the annoyed glances of the people around us that I ended up taking her out to let her play.
We became pregnant with our second child when Joe was in his second year. We told people excitedly about our good news and they gave us incredulous looks, then mumbled something about congratulations.
They clearly thought we were crazy. Log onto Facebook, read popular literature, or turn on the television and you’ll see and read everywhere that children are burdens.
Burdens so heavy, in fact, that many couples and many women choose to forego having children at all. The birth rate in the United States in 1960 was 3.65. The birth rate in the United States in 2015 was 1.84.[1]
I don’t want to delve into all of the reasons why women are choosing to be childless.
I want to tell you that whatever people say to the contrary, our lives are better with children, even with my husband doing something as time consuming as medical school.
In fact, having children has made our medical school experience incredibly happy and sweet.
Here’s my response for anyone wondering how we are managing this busy lifestyle with children:
Our children are the single best thing to ever happen to us. They fill our home with life and love.
Medical school would be much harder for both of us without children.
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I want to start by explaining how we do this and why this works.
I narrowed down our lifestyle to four points; the Student, the Supporting Spouse (in my case, the Wife), a trusting relationship with God, and our Children.
I narrowed down our lifestyle to four points; the Student, the Supporting Spouse (in my case, the Wife), a trusting relationship with God, and our Children.
Since my husband is the student and I’m the stay-at-home mom, I’ll generally use those assumptions in this post, though I recognize that sometimes it’s the wife who is the student and the husband who is the spouse.
1. The Supporting Spouse
I’m starting here because, frankly, in our setting the supporting spouse is the huge key to family happiness. The way that I talk about my husband sets the tone for how my children see him. I never say negative things to my children about their father. He is their friend, their parent, and their protector, and I set him up to be so.
I also choose to be a homemaker. I gave up my career (but just for the next twenty years or so--I may still go for that Ph.D.) to keep our home functioning smoothly. I choose to make and find happiness in being the helpmeet who fills tummies and wipes faces. Because I’m willing to do this, and do it happily, we have a cheerful home and Joe can focus on his responsibilities.
I recognize that Joe will spend a lot of time studying. I am happy that he studies so hard and I’m proud of what he’s accomplished. His studying is a direct gift to our family because how hard he studies determines his future success and our family’s future opportunities. He is working to earn his career and he is working for his family.
I take it on as my job to create an environment of contentment and peace as a refuge from his hectic and difficult world. He looks forward to coming home as a time when he can lay his burdens aside and do some healing himself. He carries a tremendous load and what I do at home makes it so that his time with his family is the brightest spot in every day.
As far as I am able, I put my husband’s happiness first.
2. The Student
We’ve talked about studying a bit already and we’re going to talk about it more. Medical students have to memorize so much that I’m surprised they still remember how to do normal things like eat and breathe. Joe has to know EVERYTHING about EVERYTHING, and now he’s looking at a specialty (radiology) where he’d have to learn the minutiae of even more.
The medical student has to be disciplined. Buckle down and prepare for the ride of your life, because the studying never ends. Discipline your mind and get ready to study hard nearly every day for the next several years.
At the same time, the student must be prepared to make some sacrifices. Emergencies will come up, like when a child must be taken to the hospital while the mother stays home with the new baby, or when the mother is exhausted and sick and the father takes over her duties for the morning. The student recognizes the needs of his or her spouse and then meets them within reason (because there’s more studying that MUST be done).
I don’t know very much about what Joe does during the day, but I know that if I have a serious need, he will move heaven and earth to meet it. I know that I can trust him to take care of his family even when he’s sick and functioning on less than five hours of sleep (which happens quite frequently).
As far as he is able, he puts the needs of his wife and family first.
3. Our Relationship to God
I talk about God a lot, and that’s because we need Him literally every day. When I let my relationship with God flag, I immediately feel irritable and muddied. A daily scripture study and daily prayer bring me into crisp clarity with what is important and with the best way forward. Pondering over the scriptures gives me perspective and, most importantly, it makes it easier for me to create happiness in the most difficult of circumstances.
We put our relationship with God first, both of us, and then we become better spouses and better parents. We keep the Sabbath day holy, which means among other things minimal housework and zero studying every Sunday.
Heavenly Father has not let us down. He has taken the crust we’ve offered and given us loaves upon loaves in return. We have a happy, safe home. Joe has done very well in his testing and in his rotations thus far. We have a working car and appliances. We have healthy, safe children and somehow our finances always hold through.
We cannot, cannot, CANNOT do this without Him. I don’t even want to try. That’s the real secret to our success; we’ve tried our hardest to do what He would have us do and He has blessed us in return. I love His gospel so much and I know that Joe does too.
Among other things, we hold as relevant today the commandment to Adam and Eve to multiply and replenish the earth, which is where we come to number four.
4. The Children
When I became pregnant with Chantelle, something magical happened. The little things in our marriage that bothered one or both of us smoothed over. We felt closer than ever before and our home had a sacred feel to it.
I’ll admit, I was nervous about having a second child. One child fills a home with work to do and problems to solve. How would a second pregnancy go? How would I manage nausea, obstetrician appointments, and then those sleepless postpartum nights while also caring for a toddler?
But we went ahead with the pregnancy anyway.
Do you want to know something?
Our second child brought only good things.
From the beginning, having a second child was like adding a line of harmony to an already-beautiful melody. Yes, things are somewhat harder with two than with one, but harder does not mean worse. I cringe when I think that we could have put my pregnancies off for even a year or two, because our girls are the song and the life of our home.
Medical school is easier with children because of what those children bring: happiness, peace, and love between us all. Our children knit our family close in heart.
Being a medical student family has also made us step back and look at our future with more focus and clarity.
Our little girls will nearly be teenagers when Joe is finished with his residency and fellowship. We’ve had a lot of heart-to-hearts about specialties and finally decided that we can’t do something that will always take Daddy away. This has been hard; it’s hard to feel that you’re giving up the dream of being The Surgeon or The Specialist.
Our little girls will nearly be teenagers when Joe is finished with his residency and fellowship. We’ve had a lot of heart-to-hearts about specialties and finally decided that we can’t do something that will always take Daddy away. This has been hard; it’s hard to feel that you’re giving up the dream of being The Surgeon or The Specialist.
However, our children make it easier to set down one dream and pick up another. Joe stepped away from the interesting and ultra-busy specialties and instead chose one where he will be home more.
In this way, he can still be our girls' Daddy; home in time for dinner and present at the Saturday soccer games.
In this way, he can still be our girls' Daddy; home in time for dinner and present at the Saturday soccer games.
I emphasize again that without children, we would have an empty house and two career-obsessed spouses.
With our children, the career being pursued becomes the way to a happier life for all of us.
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Our children have made medical school easier.
They make it easier to put the cost of careers into focus. They’ve helped us to develop selflessness, which has made our home and marriage sweeter.
They give Joe motivation to work hard so that he can give them a comfortable and safe home, and our children fill that home with love.
If you can’t imagine doing medical school with children, well, I can’t imagine doing it without them.
-Jenna
-Jenna
Footnotes:
[1] The World Bank. 2017. Fertility Rate, Total (Births per Woman). https://data.worldbank.org/indicator/SP.DYN.TFRT.IN?end=2015&locations=US&start=1960&view=chart&year=2015
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