Medical School is Better With Children

“I don’t know what to do,” I fretted to one of my professors. “I love school; I want to go for an advanced degree, but I also want to start a family. How did you do it?”

This professor had a way of quietly listening and then looking at me as though she were unwrapping my shell and peeking at my thoughts. From her I first understood the power of quiet, shrewd listening.

“I didn’t,” she said now.

I stopped short, confused. Pictures of her children were right there on her desk. What was she talking about?

“I married my husband later; these are my step-children,” she gestured to the pictures and smiled at me sadly. “I only had miscarriages. It is my One Great Sorrow.”

I didn’t know what to say. It was my turn to listen with more than my ears. These were words that sunk all the way down to my heart.  

“My advice,” she continued, “is to choose what you want most and pursue it. Perhaps a degree, perhaps a family, but you may only get one. Choose the one that you can’t live without.”

This piece of advice prefigured one of the most crucial periods of my life. What should I choose, what should I seek? A degree or children?

This was not easy. I may not be as brilliant as some of my past classmates, but I’m tenacious, ambitious, and willing to work. I wanted to teach university students. I wanted to earn a Ph.D.

Many prayers were said and answers received. I took to heart the quiet, insistent nudge to start a family and we moved ahead in faith.

Our daughter was one year old when Joe started at the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine. In the first week, the medical school displayed the results of a survey to the new class. They had some fun statistics about religion, education, and the male/female ratio.

Then they displayed a new statistic; out of the 130-odd members in that class, there were only two students with children (the other student, incidentally, is a Ph.D. who was teaching genetics at the University of Pittsburgh when she decided to also complete a Medical Degree).

I wasn’t all that surprised. At the White Coat Ceremony which preceded Joe’s medical training, Chantelle was the only baby in an audience of about 400 people. She was doing her normal baby thing, which meant a lot of shrieks and movement. I was so embarrassed at her noise and the annoyed glances of the people around us that I ended up taking her out to let her play.

We became pregnant with our second child when Joe was in his second year. We told people excitedly about our good news and they gave us incredulous looks, then mumbled something about congratulations.

They clearly thought we were crazy. Log onto Facebook, read popular literature, or turn on the television and you’ll see and read everywhere that children are burdens.

Burdens so heavy, in fact, that many couples and many women choose to forego having children at all. The birth rate in the United States in 1960 was 3.65. The birth rate in the United States in 2015 was 1.84.[1]

I don’t want to delve into all of the reasons why women are choosing to be childless.

I want to tell you that whatever people say to the contrary, our lives are better with children, even with my husband doing something as time consuming as medical school.

In fact, having children has made our medical school experience incredibly happy and sweet.  

Here’s my response for anyone wondering how we are managing this busy lifestyle with children:

Our children are the single best thing to ever happen to us. They fill our home with life and love.

Medical school would be much harder for both of us without children.

---

I want to start by explaining how we do this and why this works.

I narrowed down our lifestyle to four points; the Student, the Supporting Spouse (in my case, the Wife), a trusting relationship with God, and our Children.

Since my husband is the student and I’m the stay-at-home mom, I’ll generally use those assumptions in this post, though I recognize that sometimes it’s the wife who is the student and the husband who is the spouse.

1. The Supporting Spouse

I’m starting here because, frankly, in our setting the supporting spouse is the huge key to family happiness. The way that I talk about my husband sets the tone for how my children see him. I never say negative things to my children about their father. He is their friend, their parent, and their protector, and I set him up to be so.

I also choose to be a homemaker. I gave up my career (but just for the next twenty years or so--I may still go for that Ph.D.) to keep our home functioning smoothly. I choose to make and find happiness in being the helpmeet who fills tummies and wipes faces. Because I’m willing to do this, and do it happily, we have a cheerful home and Joe can focus on his responsibilities.

I recognize that Joe will spend a lot of time studying. I am happy that he studies so hard and I’m proud of what he’s accomplished. His studying is a direct gift to our family because how hard he studies determines his future success and our family’s future opportunities. He is working to earn his career and he is working for his family.

I take it on as my job to create an environment of contentment and peace as a refuge from his hectic and difficult world. He looks forward to coming home as a time when he can lay his burdens aside and do some healing himself. He carries a tremendous load and what I do at home makes it so that his time with his family is the brightest spot in every day.

As far as I am able, I put my husband’s happiness first.

2. The Student

We’ve talked about studying a bit already and we’re going to talk about it more. Medical students have to memorize so much that I’m surprised they still remember how to do normal things like eat and breathe. Joe has to know EVERYTHING about EVERYTHING, and now he’s looking at a specialty (radiology) where he’d have to learn the minutiae of even more.

The medical student has to be disciplined. Buckle down and prepare for the ride of your life, because the studying never ends. Discipline your mind and get ready to study hard nearly every day for the next several years.

At the same time, the student must be prepared to make some sacrifices. Emergencies will come up, like when a child must be taken to the hospital while the mother stays home with the new baby, or when the mother is exhausted and sick and the father takes over her duties for the morning. The student recognizes the needs of his or her spouse and then meets them within reason (because there’s more studying that MUST be done).

I don’t know very much about what Joe does during the day, but I know that if I have a serious need, he will move heaven and earth to meet it. I know that I can trust him to take care of his family even when he’s sick and functioning on less than five hours of sleep (which happens quite frequently).

As far as he is able, he puts the needs of his wife and family first.

3. Our Relationship to God

I talk about God a lot, and that’s because we need Him literally every day. When I let my relationship with God flag, I immediately feel irritable and muddied. A daily scripture study and daily prayer bring me into crisp clarity with what is important and with the best way forward. Pondering over the scriptures gives me perspective and, most importantly, it makes it easier for me to create happiness in the most difficult of circumstances.

We put our relationship with God first, both of us, and then we become better spouses and better parents. We keep the Sabbath day holy, which means among other things minimal housework and zero studying every Sunday.

Heavenly Father has not let us down. He has taken the crust we’ve offered and given us loaves upon loaves in return. We have a happy, safe home. Joe has done very well in his testing and in his rotations thus far. We have a working car and appliances. We have healthy, safe children and somehow our finances always hold through.

We cannot, cannot, CANNOT do this without Him. I don’t even want to try. That’s the real secret to our success; we’ve tried our hardest to do what He would have us do and He has blessed us in return. I love His gospel so much and I know that Joe does too.

Among other things, we hold as relevant today the commandment to Adam and Eve to multiply and replenish the earth, which is where we come to number four.

4. The Children

When I became pregnant with Chantelle, something magical happened. The little things in our marriage that bothered one or both of us smoothed over. We felt closer than ever before and our home had a sacred feel to it.

I’ll admit, I was nervous about having a second child. One child fills a home with work to do and problems to solve. How would a second pregnancy go? How would I manage nausea, obstetrician appointments, and then those sleepless postpartum nights while also caring for a toddler?

But we went ahead with the pregnancy anyway.

Do you want to know something?

Our second child brought only good things.

From the beginning, having a second child was like adding a line of harmony to an already-beautiful melody. Yes, things are somewhat harder with two than with one, but harder does not mean worse. I cringe when I think that we could have put my pregnancies off for even a year or two, because our girls are the song and the life of our home.

Medical school is easier with children because of what those children bring: happiness, peace, and love between us all. Our children knit our family close in heart.

Being a medical student family has also made us step back and look at our future with more focus and clarity.

Our little girls will nearly be teenagers when Joe is finished with his residency and fellowship. We’ve had a lot of heart-to-hearts about specialties and finally decided that we can’t do something that will always take Daddy away. This has been hard; it’s hard to feel that you’re giving up the dream of being The Surgeon or The Specialist.

However, our children make it easier to set down one dream and pick up another. Joe stepped away from the interesting and ultra-busy specialties and instead chose one where he will be home more.

In this way, he can still be our girls' Daddy; home in time for dinner and present at the Saturday soccer games.

I emphasize again that without children, we would have an empty house and two career-obsessed spouses.

With our children, the career being pursued becomes the way to a happier life for all of us.

--

Our children have made medical school easier.

They make it easier to put the cost of careers into focus. They’ve helped us to develop selflessness, which has made our home and marriage sweeter.

They give Joe motivation to work hard so that he can give them a comfortable and safe home, and our children fill that home with love.

If you can’t imagine doing medical school with children, well, I can’t imagine doing it without them.

-Jenna

Footnotes:

[1] The World Bank. 2017. Fertility Rate, Total (Births per Woman). https://data.worldbank.org/indicator/SP.DYN.TFRT.IN?end=2015&locations=US&start=1960&view=chart&year=2015

The Mario Kart Cake (and a Pleated Cake, Too)

This was the Week of Cakes!

I'm teaching myself tiered cake building (ie practicing for wedding cakes) and this week I really took on some challenges. Many prayers were said, much sleep was missed, but I'm so happy with how they turned out. 

First one up was Emma's Cake. The idea of attempting a pleated frosting cake scared me to death, but with lots of prayer and many blessings, it turned out beautifully.

If you're interested in learning how to do this too, here's the tutorial that guided me through it.

The second cake this week was Mario Kart-themed. There are two tiers and each tier has three layers of cake.

The track is meant to begin at the front of the cake, go into the cave and then come out of the waterfall on the second tier (which, if I make this again, will be made more obvious). The track then goes into the green pipe which pops the racer out of the top of the cake. 

Candy Melt Stars 

Candy-coated chocolate boulders outline the cave

My daughter loved the candy-coated chocolate rocks

Gotta have a waterfall, right? 

Fondant was used for the bob omb and mushrooms 

Bowser comes out of the waterfall

Luigi races into the cake. Think he'll beat the red shell?

Mario is the winner!

Here are some helpful links for things that I did and used:


Tutorial teaching tiered cake basics

Candy melts (can be melted then squirted into shapes like letters or stars)

Candy-coated chocolate rocks (I bought these from a local store, but they are also available online)

Fondant (used for the road and almost every character creation). If you're a beginner, you definitely need to watch this tutorial and maybe pick up a how-to book at your local craft store. There are some tricks and tips that make fondant easy to use.

Mario Kart Cake Toppers (I loved these so much and so did John)

Happy Birthday John and Emma! I hope you each had a wonderful day!

-Jenna

To Coffee or Not to Coffee

The airport was already bustling and I was exhausted from a week of university finals. I needed something hot in a cardboard cup to get me through this hectic travel day.

Luckily there was a Starbucks on the way. I got in line and glanced over the menu.

Then I read it again, more slowly.

The barista could sense a problem. “Can I help you?”

“Um... do you sell hot chocolate? It’s not on the menu.”

“Oh! Sure, I can make that for you.”

“Thank you.”

---

Starbucks hot chocolate is heavenly, but obviously not the most popular item.

This little story prompts a question-- why didn’t I just order coffee?

Why don’t I join the 587 million cups drunk per day in America?[1]

I don’t drink coffee because my religion includes a standard of living and health which I know came from God. This standard is called the Word of Wisdom and it states that hot drinks (which we understand means coffee and caffeinated tea), tobacco, and alcoholic drinks are not good for the human body.[2]

(As a sidenote, modern prophets have clarified that illicit drugs are also included in our Word of Wisdom, which was received before most modern drugs were found or invented).

Much of our standard of health is now in general agreement. Smoking tobacco, for example, is now known to have huge health consequences. The Center for Disease Control and Prevention states that cigarette smoking is responsible for more than 480,000 deaths per year in the United States. This is about one in five deaths annually, or 1,300 deaths every day.[3]

It's a similar story with alcohol.

Around 88,000 people (approximately 62,000 men and 26,000 women) die from alcohol-related causes every year. This makes alcohol the third leading preventable cause of death in the United States.[4] The first is tobacco, by the way, and the second is poor diet and physical inactivity.

A study published in June of 2017 shows that moderate alcohol consumption will contribute to atrophy in the hippocampus, which is the area of the brain concerned with memory, emotions, and motivation.[5] Even light drinkers were not protected from these detrimental effects.

“Ah,” you wisely say. “But abstinence from tobacco and alcohol makes sense medically. Let’s say that your church’s standard of health prevented something healthy. What would happen then?”

Ah indeed; a very good question.

What would my church do if research showed that, say, coffee, has some health benefits?

Actually, new studies are showing exactly that.

Marc J. Gunter, PhD and other researchers followed over 500,000 people for about 16 years to see how coffee intake affected their health. The researchers found that people who drank coffee had statistically significantly lower all-cause mortality.[6] A correlating study by different researchers had similar findings.[7]

Woah.

That’s a pretty big deal, guys.

So, what will my church do? Will our leaders whip out the wite-out and change our scriptures to include the consumption of coffee?

Will our policies change now that we know what the scientists are saying?

Actually, the Word of Wisdom has gone against common beliefs and practices ever since it was received. In 1830, the average American consumed seven gallons of alcoholic beverages per year.[8]  To put that in perspective, when our code of health was received whiskey was commonly drunk by men, women, and children.[8]

And actually, as late as 1940, tobacco companies ran ads promising that cigarette smoking aided digestion, a claim that is absolutely untrue.[9]

Our code of health has clashed with traditions, medical beliefs, and common practices for almost two hundred years.

If our Word of Wisdom were merely good suggestions or precepts designed by men, yes, it would likely change. It probably would have changed decades ago.  

But if any of our doctrine had been designed by men alone, our church would have failed when our first prophet was violently murdered and our people forced to walk across a continent.

The principles found in the Word of Wisdom are God-given and God-designed. We violate them at our peril and we obey them to our temporal and eternal gain. They will not change according to the precepts of men, no matter what those precepts are.

Members of my church obey this code of conduct happily and without regret because we know that when God speaks and man obeys, that man will always be right.

We know that when our current prophet President Monson speaks and woman obeys, that woman will always be blessed.

Our belief in and adherence to the Word of Wisdom comes down to faith. Does this really come from God?

I know that it does.

I have no doubts about the origin of my church’s doctrines; I know through powerful personal revelation from the Holy Ghost that our prophets are and were led by God. I do have questions, but I have no doubts.

There’s a promise made at the end of Section 89 of the Doctrine and Covenants, which is where you’ll find the Word of Wisdom.

“And all saints who remember to keep and do these sayings, walking in obedience to the commandments, shall receive health in their navel and marrow to their bones;

“And shall find wisdom and great treasures of knowledge, even hidden treasures;

“And shall run and not be weary, and shall walk and not faint.

“And I, the Lord, give unto them a promise, that the destroying angel shall pass by them, as the children of Israel, and not slay them. Amen.”

Do you see?

This is a principle of temporal health and wellness with deep spiritual application. It’s about faith, not about science. Are we willing to do whatever Heavenly Father asks, even when it’s hard?

Even when you’re the only one on the team who doesn’t drink?  

Even when scientists state that coffee is good for you?

Have faith. These are principles with promises, commandments with promised blessings, and God always keeps His word.

-Jenna

Footnotes

[1]Fernau, Karen. 2013. “Coffee Grinds Fuel for the Nation.” USA Today. https://www.usatoday.com/story/money/business/2013/04/09/coffee-mania/2069335/ (accessed October 3, 2017).

[2]Word of Wisdom Overview. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. https://www.lds.org/topics/word-of-wisdom?lang=eng (accessed 10/3/2017).

[3]Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. 2017. "Smoking and Tobacco Use." https://www.cdc.gov/tobacco/data_statistics/fact_sheets/fast_facts/index.htm (accessed October 3, 2017).

[4]National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism. 2017. "Alcohol Facts and Statistics." https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/alcohol-health/overview-alcohol-consumption/alcohol-facts-and-statistics (accessed 10/4/2017).

[5]Topiwala, Anya et al. 2017. “Moderate alcohol consumption as risk factor for adverse brain outcomes and cognitive decline: longitudinal cohort study.” The BMJ. http://www.bmj.com/content/357/bmj.j2353 (accessed 10/3/2017).

[6]Gunter, Marc J. PhD et al. 2017. “Coffee Drinking and Mortality in 10 European Countries: A Multinational Cohort Study”. http://annals.org/aim/article/2643435/coffee-drinking-mortality-10-european-countries-multinational-cohort-study (accessed 10/3/2017).

[7]Song-Yi Park, PhD. 2017. “Association of Coffee Consumption With Total and Cause-Specific Mortality Among Nonwhite Populations.” Annals of Internal Medicine. http://annals.org/aim/article/2643433/association-coffee-consumption-total-cause-specific-mortality-among-nonwhite-populations (accessed 10/3/2017).

[8] Woodworth, Jeff. 2013. “The Word of Wisdom.” Revelations in Context. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. https://history.lds.org/article/doctrine-and-covenants-word-of-wisdom?lang=eng (accessed 10/3/2017).

[9] Stanford University Research into the Impact of Tobacco Advertising. “For Digestion Sake.” http://tobacco.stanford.edu/tobacco_main/images.php?token2=fm_st059.php&token1=fm_img1381.php&theme_file=fm_mt003.php&theme_name=For%20Your%20Health&subtheme_name=For%20Digestion%20Sake (accessed 10/3/2017).